AHHHH! THIS COMIC BOOK IS SOOOOOO BAD. OH THE HUMANITY! BAD BAD BAD!!! IT BURNS! THIS IS LIKE 9/11 AND OBAMA GETTING ELECTED ALL ROLLED INTO ONE! THIS IS WORSE THAN THE TIME I PUT MY HAND IN HOLY WATER! AHHHHH GET IT AWAY!!!!
OK, seriously guys. Asterios Polyp is one of the worst books in the history of the comics medium. Not even the comics medium, but all of literature!
Let's go over the process by which the book was probably made:
Four score and ten years ago:
Our writer of ASTERIOS POLYP brought forth, upon this medium, a new and unconventional idea for a comic, conceived in the daze of alcohol and acid, and dedicated to the proposition of making all comic book fans miserable.
Four score and (however many) years ago:
Our editor of ASTERIOS POLYP took one look at the script and said, "HOW DARE YOU COMMIT THE SIN OF USING YOUR IMAGINATION TO CRAFT SUBLTE IMAGERY NOT TYPICALLY FOUND IN COMICS! HOW DARE YOU ATTEMPT TO ENGAGE THE READERS IN NOVEL WAYS THAT MIGHT ACTUALLY PROVOKE INTELLIGENT DISCUSSION!"
Alas, the book was made and published.
Now, we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether the book, or any book so conceived, can long endure. And guess what? IT CAN'T BECAUSE THIS BOOK IS SUCH AN ATROCIOUS PIECE OF...AGHHH I CAN'T EVEN GO ON IT'S SOOO BAD IT BURNS!
OK, you might be wondering why I think this book is so bad I can't even finish a coherent sentence. It's because this book is FULL OF FLUFF.
I mean, seriously, the author actually has several pages with NO WORDS WHATSOEVER. Take a look at the following page:
It's just the character...DOING STUFF! Look at him, he's putting on his shoes! He's grabbing a lighter! He's grabbing a watch and Swiss Army knife! DO YOU SEE ANY CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT HERE AT ALL??? And there's PLENTY MORE OF THIS! Pages and pages of characters doing things!
Besides, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT ANY OF THIS MEANS WITHOUT BEING BLUDGEONED OVER THE HEAD WITH HEAVY EXPOSITION???
OK, you guys might sense I'm a little upset and I imagine many of you disagree with me. So I'm going to open it up to audience questions. These questions are totally real and not made up by me at all.
Q: Maybe you just don't get what the author is trying to say.
A: I have no intelligent response to this question, so I'm just going assume it's impossible and say SHUT THE FUCK UP, STUPID AUDIENCE!
Q: Seriously, though, you seem to be missing the fact that sometimes the small, quiet moments where seemingly not much happens can reveal quite a bit about the character. In fact, the nuances...
A: I'm just going to stop you right there. Look, it seems YOU don't get how stories are supposed to work. Things should ALWAYS BE HAPPENING. Did you see the page above? NOTHING HAPPENS! Take a look at my favorite book, THE DA VINCI CODE. There's always stuff happening in there and that's why it's awesome. AND IT MAKES YOU THINK WITHOUT BEING "NUANCED."
Q: You complained about the lack of exposition, but can't you tell a lot from the art? In fact, can't it be argued that minimizing exposition is a good thing?
A: I said it once and I'll say it again. Stories can't tell you anything with just art. I have no idea what's going on here. THERE NEED TO BE WORDS! Or have you forgotten a little guy by the name of WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE? Did you see him drawing anything? NO AND HE WAS THE FREAKING BEST!
Q: You accuse the story of having no character development, but that seems a bit unfair given that you only clipped a few pages. Sometimes development takes a longer time. Dont you think you should just give it a chance?
A: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!
What has been written here is a piece of trash. Don't buy it. Buy something else. ANYTHING ELSE!
AGH, BLAAGHAO;UIA ! I need to cleanse myself right now! I'm gonna go back to reading ULTIMATUM right after I finish up COUNTDOWN TO FINAL CRISIS.
Also, here's my real blog: Ecocomics.